Dec 282008

When you spoke to me today, i was overwhelmed hearing the hurt in your voice. insert many hugs here. I wanted to take the time to write you now, to be sure i don’t forget to tell you the things i may not have been able to then

Although we have known it was coming for a long time (and some of us have wished for it for even longer), it doesn’t mean there isn’t pain, lots of it. Coping with Grief and Loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement

i’m genuinely sorry for the dissolution of the relationship, or at least what you thought it was. When these things happen, the pain comes not only from the “break”, but from realizing what you wanted it to be will never happen, and may never have been. It is time to grieve those plans for special moments, rituals and play. Allow yourself to cry, then remember when it is time to move on. Don’t be surprised when emotions from this catch you off guard days, weeks, months later; then again, sooner than you think will also be days that he will be irrelevant other than making you appreciate all the more where you are.

Sometimes, people find it easy to assume that because you are the one that asked for release, it is somehow easier. i know it isn’t. If anything it is harder as you have to be proactive, which when you have been practicing allowing someone else take the lead in the relationship can feel so very difficult. But, __good for you__ for doing it. In the long run, you will be so glad that you took the control, and that you don’t have to feel “dumped” by him.

i want you to remember who you are is not determined by whose you are. You are slave (or submissive, or however you end up identifying) because of who you are inside, not because of who is at your side. It is not in what you do that makes you submissive, but who and what you are.

And, that also means that if he turns out not to be a “Master”, a Dom or even much of a top, that __you are no less a submissive or slave.__

Look, listen and learn from how he behaved in the relationship. Is that acceptable to you now/in a future place? Can you be content with his frequency and level of communication? of commitment? of devotion to you? of honesty (in what he says, doesn’t say, and how much of it)? Can you trust what he says? trust that he has your best interest at heart?

Another analogy:
You are a house, no longer brand new, but certainly still very much structurally sound. Until you have an owner, basic maintenance still needs to be done: mow the grass, keeping things clean. One day, someone will find you and realize what a great home you will be. That doesn’t mean he won’t want to make changes, some more major than others. Some rooms need an overhaul (time to get rid of the avocado refrigerator haha), and some just need a fresh coat of paint or new fixtures. A smart owner would not “buy” a house just to tear it down, but will appreciate the fine points of the house he has found.

No one (that matters, certainly) is looking at you and judging. His actions, such as when he chose to tuck you away, to avoid you, to not communicate, reflect onhim – not on you. You can look at your actions, your choices and know that no mistakes were made from malice. Errors in judgment should be addressed, corrected, even punished if necessary. But punishment, particularly in a growing relationship, does not include cutting someone off without contact for weeks at a time.

My dear friend, you are not alone, no matter how much it may feel like it today. You are not the only one that has made mistakes in judgment, but you made the best choices with the information, knowledge and self-awareness you had at the time. That means — stop beating yourself up! As smart as you are, i know it can be hard to feel “stupid”. But, it isn’t stupid to go through learning experiences; ultimately, it will help you appreciate when you get past this lesson (ah, the learning never stops wry sigh).

Keep reaching out to me, to others. Here is a group that may help as you transition too:
>Submissive Survivors – The purpose of this list is to provide support and open discussion for submissives and slaves, whether they are having issues in their current relationship, or are recovering from the emotional upheaval following the end of a D/s or M/s relationship.

Please remember it will get better … and i will always love you! You ARE awesome and amazing!

~~ joy
(who also speaks from the experience of having been “tinuviel bound”, “cailin”, “JoyDreamsGirl”, “Hisjoy”, “fish”, “lsg” and “Dantès’s joy”)

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