Nov 072013
 

1. Looking for people in your area only

You want someone who is really into you, who gets you, who will take their time with you, be patient, be loving and caring, someone you don’t get tired of being with, someone you can grow with. Someone compatible. And you are really putting convenience as your first criteria? No one really wants long distance relationships. But limiting your search to your neighborhood is likely to cut down your chances to find that one special person that will ultimately change your life. *

2. They need to be into the same things

No, they don’t. If your significant someone likes the same band, the same movie, the same book like you, what are you going to show each other of the world? And if they are into the very same stuff, it is likely that you disagree in details, which may be the source of endless fights. You will find a richer partnership when you complete each other, rather than being into the same things.

3. Looking for the same age group only

People put too much weight into age as a number. Age is of course relative to life experience, but it’s not the only defining factor. Different people go through different phases in their lives at different stages. And not every 20 year old or 40 year old experiences the same things other people experience at their age. Of course age isn’t completely irrelevant with a partner, for various reasons. But you should be careful when making that number the defining factor that lets you decide whether someone is worth spending time with or not. Greater age gaps can lead to conflict sometimes, but they can also lead to a richer partnership experience.

4. Putting your judgement before your experience

We tend to take experiences with people and project them on other people. That’s just how humans are. It’s normal behavior. First impressions do count. But taking that impression and extrapolating it, imagining how this person may act under various life circumstances, simply kills the possibility that your future partner might swipe you off your feet. You need to provide time for mutual experiences to give space for something to happen. Spending some time with them and experiencing places, events and each other will give you the confidence to be able to say, you really want to be with them.

5. Searching for reasons why they are not right

You may think you’re not doing it, but it happens all the time. Especially when you are reading a person’s online profile. It happens more with dating or community sites than it happens in regular life. Because in person, when we meet someone, we rely more on the immediate impression: facial expressions, humor, natural laughs, their timing, the vibe of a person. Online, your only tool is your analytical brain and it is searching for feelings, so you overanalyze everything you see from this person. This filter can be incredibly misleading. Give experiences a chance.

6. “I don’t have time for this, but I really want my ideal partner”

Finding the right partner means work. Seriously, if you want someone great, a half-assed effort isn’t going to cut it. When you meet someone, you need to dedicate yourself to it, showing them you want this to happen as much as they do. It’s an effort. It takes time. It also means acting before overthinking. Don’t hesitate, don’t push it away, let experiences invade your life.

7. Thinking you need to change yourself to find someone who wants you

Dealing with rejection is not easy. No one deals well with that, not even the toughest among us. And yes, it’s personal. You showed your true self and they did not want it. But you know what? They might feel you’re too old, too fat, too young, too inexperienced, have hanging boobs, a too short cock, a too big ass. Finding why they didn’t want you is not so hard. What you should find are reasons why someone would want you. And everyone has plenty of them. There is no such thing as a person without any qualities. Even with the toughest among us.

8. Relying on a type, your specific idea of an ideal partner

This may come as a surprise. But most people who come together as a couple were not their ideal partners. They may think that after a while of being togehter, but they most certainly didn’t know this in the beginning. If you want specific qualities in a partner, try making them as broad as possible. Be flexible with yourself. It’s too easy to use your narrow filter to dismiss every chance that someone could become the partner you want to be with, not just the partner you want.

9. Committing too early, or not at all

One of the hardest things to figure out is to know when you’re falling in love or when you’re loving someone. The former is a chemical reaction in your body and it takes about two to four weeks to fade out. The latter means you really care about someone. And you may think one is the other, or that it is all “magical” and it shouldn’t be so rationalized. Maybe so. But it’s easy to commit while you’re in love, and even easier to pass the chance of commitment. Sooner or later you are sobering up and then you ask yourself if you really care for them. This goes back to mutual experiences. Nothing forges a relationship more than what you have together.

10. Putting their looks first

This may be the toughest of them all. We all feel attracted to certain features in people. Be it their aura, the way they talk, their intelligence or their looks. And looks are really important, more than we may admit. It’s an evolutionary treat we inherited from our ancestors 65,000 years ago: selecting a mate by physical features, such as strength, health and beauty. To say attraction plays no important role in the mating game would be dismissive of being human. However, it’s too easy to put physical attraction first and filter people early, because they are not fit enough, don’t have a flat belly, or their upper teeth are too big. The question you should ask yourself is whether these things will be the reasons that make your relationship work, many years from here. What bothers you now may be something you don’t even notice in a few years, or it is part of why you feel familiar and home with your partner.

  • (Note: Point #1 caused some confusion. I am not proposing long distance relationships. But if you feel your connection with your partner is strong enough and you want to be together, but the distance is too great, find a way to come together. Being together, living together in the same space is worth the effort.)

Written by and shared with permission from Danaus

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