Oct 042008

How do you know when enough is enough? When the time to go has finally come?

i’ve been trying to improve myself, and my primary relationship, but i just don’t think i can do it anymore. i’m just too tired… i’m tired of being the bitch (especially when he has the nerve to say that in front of the kids).

Is it when the staying is more painful than the going?

i admit, i’ve been scared to get back on my own, after so many years as a part of things. At the least, the financial independence in this time of overall economic turmoil is more than a lil frightening. Doesn’t help that my primary job for the past several years has been working part time for his sister.

And what about my two (not-so-)lil ones? Is there ever a best, or at least better time? My parents were married until my dad died; i can’t imagine the agony a split could put in them. And, would they always see it as my fault? He certainly speaks out more vocally about what i am doing (“Your mommy doesn’t want to spend time with us tonight; she’d rather spend it with her friends.”) Would he turn everything nasty, and try to keep me from ever seeing them, even though he haszero ability to get them out the door in the morning (which equals anytime for anything before noon)?

know i am a lousy wife, especially lately. The joy in doing for and with him is gone. i end up with zero motivation to do anything more than the basics, and sometimes not even that. He criticizes, complains, whines and makes passive aggressive comments. i find it sad that i am happier alone, cleaning in my son’s room, than being with him (or even the family, because i don’t want him to argue in front of the kidlets). He says he dreads coming home, since i’m a horrid housekeeper and “never do anything”. And, i find myself dreading him coming home, because i don’t want to talk to him, be with him, be touched by him.

He snips and snipes – then comes to me within an hour wanting to receive “attention.” Sometimes that “attention” is enough to “earn” me time outside the house, but lately the time out, no matter how long, scores complaints and negative commentary. How can you talk so rudely to me, then moments later think that i will have forgotten, and i am ready to laugh and be light hearted?

i don’t know if i can do it. and i don’t know if i can stay. and i think there’s a part of me that’s breaking tonight.

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