Oct 192008

i know, i know. Eye rolls abound at the idea of “it” being all about any submissive, much less me, but …

The past several months especially have brought a number of things to the forefront of my thinking, by way of some substantial pileups on the emotional freeway. Time for me to clean up this wreck already! Let me start by saying what i knew logically, but had not been able to totally incorporate before this (but i am working on hard now):

  • We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. No one can makeus happy or sad; we make that choice. How we react to what we see, know, and experience is up to us. We must be active in the examination of what works and doesn’t. Even if it appears nothing has changed, the river water still effects the rock in its bed from the flow.

looking hard at myself now i know i am particularly bad (hears the coughing and choking around her now) about filling in all the blanks with my version of dialogue and action. We (ok, read i) can be the biggest sadists in our own lives – forcing our psyches into places that do nothing but cause us hurt, even if it is just by letting our mind wander and doodle.

  • Each day, each moment, is a choice – even (especially?) in consensual slavery. At the very least, i must decide, “Is this where i want and need to be?” If it isn’t, i need to take responsibility for that, decide what i can do from my side, what changes can i make, and if necessary, to stop and/or move to another place.

That said: i admit, it has hurt, very much sometimes, seeing those to whom i have been connected connecting in various ways to others. i know too, and deeplyregret, that it has been so painful, and that it has made me be less than my best self – inside and outside of me (personal apologies to follow; please forgive me if i have offended and i was not aware). Putting this publicly will also serve as a reminder to me to not let that happen again.

  • We can’t see what is going on on the other side of an IM conversation, in someone’s head, or know all of their actions or motivations. Even with more knowledge of a situation and individual, we still will be viewing things through the filters of our own experiences. Sometimes this can help us see a larger truth, but as often as not, it can be as skewed as a fun house mirror.
  • This is ultimately a very small, often incestuous community (and i don’t mean just the Atlanta area either). There are bound to be overlaps of playmates, relationships, and various connections. Very little stays secret or hidden, especially if you want it to. And that includes hiding our own heads in the sand.

Example from early on: My first Dom (kinda), living in Utah, was madly in love with a gal…who turns out to have also made a connection with a Dom in the Atlanta area to whom i had been talking. Both men were convinced she was the girl of their dreams; neither realized at the time they were both wooing and being wooed by the same girl — until 2+2 equaled even others when the truth finally came out.

  • Common courtesy and proper behavior should not be confused with extraordinary. Someone i deeply respect and love just reminded me of this when He heard me saying about another, in full amazement and awe, “He said He’d contact me, and He did.” Oh my! What is wrong with this picture that i had grown willing to accept this and feel grateful for it?
  • And, yes, sometimes (more often than not), it really isn’t about me. As i have told others, when giving some of my better advice (which i tend to be unable to always follow), choices and actions by others are not always an anti-choice or reaction against us. For instance, if you choose to do XYZ, that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t choose to do ABC. The reverse is also true. Some things really are not just either / or.

So, overall, it is all about me… at least as long as it is my life. Even if i reflect on you, i must ultimately remember to act with responsibility and accountability, for my own sake, and for better or worse.

i hope, starting now, it is better…

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