Jun 072009

i’ve been working deliberately to be less aware and concerned with my “image” as i continue on my journey. Even when i have been more focused, it seems i’ve misread myself or others have completely misjudged me. i know that i’ve been understood to be a brat, a SAM, or just generally being naughty in exchange for punishment; this is pretty far from the truth, as i hate to disappoint those with whom i care enough to play, and also recognize the painfulness of “true” (gads i hate that word) physical punishment.

i tend to play hard, and i do enjoy that. However, it is not the only style or method that appeals to me. Sometimes i draw the interest of those that solely want to wallop me harder than the last; on the other hand, there are sensual tops that hesitated to speak to me about bottoming because they thought of me as a “whipping post”. i’ve had connections to some awesome riggers, though most of our public play didn’t reflect that, and i continue to be seen as someone that doesn’t enjoy bondage (hint: not true!)

However, what i can speak to is how i’d hope to be seen; some of the characteristics i’d want to demonstrate and known for include:

  • Adventurous, willing to try new things, new styles;
  • Attentive to my Top, aware of His/Her preferences;
  • Aware of my mind and body, willing to “safe” as necessary to protect myself and my Top;
  • Adept at distancing a bit, especially for education (eg to help a newer Top learn a skill via feedback and information);
  • Sensual, sexual, but not giving sexual intimacies freely;
  • Playful, teasing, able to laugh (even sing blushes), when the situation and/or Partner calls for it.

During my journey, i’ve played with relatively few Tops. i prefer connecting with those that know me emotionally to a degree, so that i have the freedom to trust them more, to play “more”, in whatever way that plays out. By playing with a smaller circle of Tops, i also have the benefit of knowing their favorite styles of play, including preferred reactions. i know who enjoys a “vocal wiggler” vs “stoic and still.”

My enjoyment, in part, comes from meeting those (often unspoken) requests. How awesome it is to see the smile of the exchange, to feel the give and take partnership as we play swoons at the thought With that level of intimacy, i am often allowed a chance to show my gratitude for their interaction in more personal ways, that are more meaningful for all involved (yes, i’m an avowed foot and hand whore too grins)

My Dom, Dantes, is relatively new to being active in the BDSM lifestyle. His actual training and skills, in this framework is somewhat limited, but He is learning quickly, with His physical quickly catching up with His innate mental talents. i am fortunate He is interested in learning and improving His technical proficiencies, and i am happy to do what i can to assist in His journey, especially when it is a win-win for us both. smiles

Will my reputation end up matching how i view myself? Really, i’m not sure it matters. i’d rather someone would get to know me, not just who i am on paper or on a spanking bench, flaws and all. It certainly is what i’d rather know about you~smiles~

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