Apr 072009

i’ve been wanting to write for a while, but it never seems to be the right time. The words keep tumbling around in my head, usually in the middle of the night when rest is precious enough, or during the day when privacy is the rare commodity.

Stepping out into a new life decade (hmm… for some reason, no one is assuming i’m referring to my 20s), and so many recent changes, i’m taking stock of what i have, know, need and want.

How lucky am i to have had such motivational people in my life, determined to help me see another way of seeing and doing things. i look back at what lessons i’ve thankfully gleaned from our time, and here is some of what i’ll take gratefully forward with me:

  • Enjoy, relish, live and love in the moment. Don’t waste it by regretting what was, over-analyzing what is, or agonizing about what will be.
  • Learn to have fun. And, it’s never to late to learn that. Gosh, i can’t tell you how good it feels to really laugh. i’ve caught myself now and then smiling, even throwing my head back and laughing throughout my whole body.
  • A person can be a good Dominant or submissive (or anywhere along the relationship, dynamic spectrum), but not be good for you. It is not necessarily a reflection on the other person, as much as how things fit together, including temperaments and timing.
  • The best you are at that moment, with that set of knowledge and skills, is the best you can be at that moment in time. Don’t torment yourself knowing you’d do things differently now; simply resolve yourself to not make the same mistakes, especially in the same way ever again.
  • Never expect people to love and care for you more than you can care for yourself. If you can’t invest in you, don’t expect others to want to do the same.
  • None of us can completely see what is (or was) in another’s heart; no sight as clear as hindsight.
  • When you think you’re at the end of your rope, look and see if you really have both ends. Maybe (often) you have everything you need already.
  • People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
  • No matter what power we exchange or authority we transfer, we are still ultimately responsible for ourselves and our choices.
  • We find what we seek, whether we realize we were looking.
  • ‘If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.’ -Herman Hesse
  • Sometimes pain is just pain, and there is no other way around it than to stop getting it. We have the right and responsibility to call safe words, to step back in life and in the lifestyle. Neither is a sign of weakness, but strength, and should be seen as such by those that connect.
  • No one has a right to my power, unless i have chosen to give it to them, and that gift is revocable. i am always, ultimately, in control – at least of the things i can control. Let go of those things you can’t.
  • i am enough. Enough said.

How powerful i’ve felt lately doing some of the (seemingly) smallest tasks. i was able to say “No, thank you” to someone that made me uncomfortable, without dodging, feeling guilty or mean. i was able to say to someone that i’ve long held in a great deal of respect, when asked to do something, “You’re not mydominant.” i was able to tell someone i respected, “Thank you for your opinion, but i don’t believe that’s true for me”, rather than simply trying to “wear” or fit his interpretation.

All these lessons that i’ve always told others, all this advice i’ve given, finally it is becoming true to me too (and enough of trying to play the “That’s different” card.)

i never again will be a victim, of what happened to me when i was younger, when i was an adult at various points, nor in my current life. My soul will not be destroyed by abusers, including the damage i can do to myself; i’ve reclaimed me (or, in many ways, claimed myself for the first time).

i feel like i’m looking into a kaleidoscope, and the view has changed. i can’t remember what it was before, or even make sense of what seemed logical. It is a completely new way of viewing things.

i simply feel amazing, never more empowered, never more sure that my life belongs to me.

Thank you for sharing it with me smiles

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.