I’ve been collecting writings on safety for all walks of the community and I figure it might be time for me to write my own, based on my past experiences in the lifestyle.
I walked into my first D/s relationship as a completely naive sub.
I thought it went “What Master wants, Master gets” the problem with that statement was that I didn’t add “WITHIN REASON” to the end of it. I didn’t realize how unhealthy our relationship was for me and stayed in it for 6 to 7 years (I want to say close to ten but I stopped counting after 6ish); staying because I hadn’t known any other kind of D/s relationship. It took five friends (three of them from Fet and two vanillas who had a pretty good grasp of the lifestyle) and one very persistant Domme to help break my “I know i’m doing this right” mindset.
After I left that relationship my life took an extremely positive incline. I compare from journal entries how much my self esteem, confiedence, and self worth has risen since then and every day im astonished by the results. Had it not been for those persistant people I would still be stuck in that relationship;
My hopes with this writing consist simply of this: To help new submissives, who thought like I did, avoid ending up in the same kind of relationship and to hopefully give them some insight into what is crossing the line, even from the Dom side.
Disclaimer: this writing does not target Dom/mes as a whole and should not be used to generically group them all as being awful, there are many many good Doms and Dommes out there, but hopefully this writing will help you spot ones that are abusive of the power exchange
So, here are the “But I shouldn’t…” Yes you should! ‘s
1. ARGUE WITH YOUR DOM/ME
I know there are subs reading this saying “lol wut?” and maybe a few Dom/mes who wish I was within whipping distance, but hear me out before you get gun-ho on me. If your Dom/me orders you to do something that you are incapable of physically, financially, or otherwise you have the right to express that. If they persist, ARGUE seriously, do it…. and if you’re afraid of “being punished” I’ll say this,bare the crop to spare yourself from the crap. A Dom/me who consistantly pushes you for there own gain is not a Dom/me, and you are not (or shouldn’t be) their doormat.
2. DONT ACCEPT A GUILT TRIP
If it feels like a guilt trip, GET OUT NOW. If you state you can’t comply with something and your Dom/me starts, crying, shaming, or throwing a tantrum don’t stay with them. If a Dom/me does this and finds one that works he/she will keep using it to get their way which will mentally exaust a submissive, and tear down their/your self confiendence.
3. DONT LET A DOM/ME DEFINE YOUR ROLE FOR YOU
The best I can do to explain this is give an example; I came into the lifestyle as a “pet” my Domme said “No you’re going to be a slave for me” and gave me only slave duties with out allowing me to enter pet space. No Dom/me, no matter how much you want to belong to them, should re-define your role for you. If you want to change your role that is a descion that is to be made soleyBY YOU not by any one else. If you want to experiment with a new role talk to your Dom/me about it, but if you know what role you want to stick with, stick with it and don’t let some one else decide that it should change, you are a human being and no matter how dominated you are, you have your own thoughts.
4. KNOW WHAT YOUR ROLE INTALES
The last year or two of my unhealthy relationship my Domme decided my bank account was part of her shopping budget and rather than sit and talk to me about adding anything finance wise to our relationship it was just “I need this (pair of $300 shoes), go buy it” and I would take it as an order with out realizing that “house slave” and “financial sub” were two completely different roles. No one can define the exact duties of any given role because every relationship is different, but if something seems completely out of bounds stop and think “Does this fit the role I signed up for?” if not speak up and explain why you think it doesn’t. Not even time spent in a relationship should trample your consent and all changes should be discussed before enforced.
5. DONT SHY FROM YOUR COMMUNITY
If your “almighty” Dom/me tells you to avoid the community… The Dom/me is probably the one you should be avoiding. If they want you to avoid the community they probably
A) Have never interacted with the community themselves
B) Are insecure about losing you to some one who is actually experienced
C) Are banned from the local events because of the way they’ve treated subs in the past and don’t want you to become aware of it
Your community is not your enemy, no matter how big and bad your Dom/me tries to make it look, the community is there to help you learn about healthy relationships, there is no reason to keep you from that if you want to explore it.
6. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE
I can’t express that word enough, if you have a problem with the relationship talk to your dominant about it. If they can’t drop the dominant role for a few minutes to talk to you about what you feel needs improvement then you aren’t in a D/s relationship, you’re in an abusive one.
7. DONT SPOIL YOUR DOM/ME OUT OF HABIT
–hides from pissed off Dommes– If they haven’t ordered you to buy them something (assuming it was agreed they were allowed to do that from the begining) and its not their birthday, don’t get in the habit of buying your Dominant random gifts. I love my Dom/mes just as much as the next person, and an occasional “just cuz” gift is ok but if it becomes a consistant habit (like a “just cuz” gift every month) an abusive Dom/me will take this as a signal that its ok to start waving expensive merchindise they want in your face with intent of you buying it and then get upset with you when you can’t deliver.
8. “NO” IS NOT “MAYBE”
Be firm in your serious refusals. Don’t shift to “ok fine… I guess” if you’ve said “no”; … “no” is fucking “NO”
9. ASK WHEN YOU NEED REASSURANCE
You are a human, not a fortress. Both you and your Dominant should know that, it is ok to ask for reassurance when you are insecure, if you hear “Stop your whining/crying its annoying” when you don’t do it that often or aren’t in a scene that calls for it you might have a problem.
10. DONT TAKE A HARD LIMIT AS PUNISHMENT
The Wartenberg wheel use to be a hard limit of mine and as a punishment it would be run all over my shoulders, arms, and neck if I didn’t behave. There is a difference between punishing a submissive and using their anxieties to scare the ever loving shit out of them, if its a hard limit IT DOES NOT QUALIFY TO BE A PUNISHMENT.
11. IF YOU ARE PAYING A BILL ASK FOR THE PAPERWORK
Medical, mechanical, whatever; if you’re paying for it you have a right to see the bill and keep track of your expense, if you don’t see paperwork but you see a new coach purse you’re probably not paying the bill you’re being told you’re paying
12. A HARD LIMIT IS A HARD LIMIT UNTIL YOU SAY IT ISN’T
Just as you shouldn’t let your Dom/me define your role, you shouldn’t allow them to define your limits either. Dramatic example: If a Dom/me came up to me with a taser and said “We are going to try this on you” after I already said “No” I’d tell them to put that pocket pikachu away before I make them eat it. As much as I’d like to bottom for electrical play, I can’t because of my brain tumor, that makes it a hard limit. It can not and will not be done to me, some hard limits can be shifted but ONLY BY YOUR CONSENT, not by another person’s consent.
13. DONT TAKE “GIFTS” AS EXCUSES
If a Dom/me ignores your needs and won’t talk about them with you, but then suddenly gives you a little of something you’ve been wanting Play wise ( like a pat on the head, a quick yank to the collar, a “good boy/girl”) but doesn’t do that normally, thats not a “gift” its called a “snare”, and its an abusive technique to reel a sub back in that starts to realize they aren’t being treated kindly.
Snared sub Example;
“I don’t like that Master makes fun of me in front of her friends or that she gets mad when I ask her to stop, but… Master pet me yesterday, shes never done that, it was a big thing for me.”
Hopefully I’ve written this well and it can be helpful in some way, if I think of more points ill be sure to update it.
Originally posted here, shared with permission of and written by Teething_Pup