Dec 312006

The first… of many girl hopes

From: Sunday May 28, 2006 – 11:46pm

And, so my journaled journey begin…

girl has so many thoughts, but instead of them swirling around like a tornado, they have settled into many piles of things to sift through instead.

i am looking forward, trying not to look back other than to appreciate what useful information i received, and going from there… i am no longer

girl declared tomorrow a ‘me’ day from her husband, begging off with some muttered excuse about a party for a friend going away, or … mumble.. mumble… so i will be at Sir’s tomorrow morning at 10. And, i will finally get to meet erin – how exciting!

girl is working hard not to feel like the questions Sir presents from my writing come from criticism, complaints or specific concern. Many of them, at least at this point, are merely clarifications. Now, if girl could just let her stomach unclench as He asks them a little easier…

ah… patience… if only practicing it was as easy as spelling it…

When reviewing Sir’s website ( – good job erin!), girl felt the knot come over her stomach again. Clearly, Sir intends to have a poly household – but, the information started to sound like words from UM, and brought icky flashbacks of the last days with Him. i want to be special, and i don’t want to be just one more of the (many, many) girls… This is not to say i can’t share, especially with an Alpha – but to be one of at least three, theoretically equal, but not the same women, sounded wretched. UM was right – it was not right for me – just as He wasn’t…

And, other versions of poly i’ve heard in the community discourage me nearly as much: to have a ‘triad’, yet still be able to be with whoever at any time. To me, that just sounds like cake and eating it too… hard to see the commitment there. Why bother having the triad in the first place then… Something i’ll hafta see better to wrap my head around, but just wearies me to think of it.

girl really is taking it one step at a time, and hopes Sir will see the frenzies subsiding, and the ears listening, and eyes opening.

thank you Sir, for another day in your consideration, joy


Goodbye cailin

Monday June 19, 2006 – 12:24am

It is with great regret that we announce that cailin, aka:joyspreader4u, has been released from My service and Our house. We hope that all will refrain from gossip or speculation, and respect our privacy in this matter. We wish joy well in her continued journey in this lifestyle, and ask that the community embrace her and welcome her as she begins anew. With regards, Master Gowain and erin{G}

That said, i am glad for every moment, every lesson i have learned from Master Gowain and Ms. erin. i have learned a great deal, and have only the highest regard for them. Thank You Sir, thank You Ms.



Monday June 19, 2006 – 12:35am

this would have been an entry from cailin, but the lessons are still there for myself

No matter how many times and how many ways you beg for forgiveness from others, there must come a time to be able to forgive yourself. It ultimately becomes less important whether or not ‘they’ forgive you, but can you finally forgive yourself. And, if you can, can you learn from those mistakes? Can you move forward?

i have felt my felt my feet gummed to the pavement, heart in my throat, unable to form words, unable to turn or to move. i was not behaving from a purposely bratty place; i was not begging – then or now – for physical repercussions to my poor behavior; i was everything but what i wanted and needed to be.

i was very glad to have been given the opportunity to find and share the words i needed and wanted to say to those that i have wronged. But, until now, after searching and even some ‘over thinking’, i have been unable to write anything more. Apparently, i had one more note to write – this one to myself.

So, here goes, internal dilemma or not, it is part of who i am… and i can’t help but put the thoughts and feelings ‘somewhere’ now that they have started to ooze out of me…

Dear inner cailin,

i’m sorry i let you down when you were trying to so hard to make a good impression. i know you wanted everyone to see that you are not the ‘wicked other woman’ or just something in the way. i know you wanted to be a good hostess, a good present, a thoughtful addition to the Household. Instead, i took over, made you behave wickedly, and ignore common sense, protocol and even basic courtesy.

And, i let you down. You trusted me to take care of you, to let you shine, to help you remember your place. i got distracted. i got overwhelmed. i started thinking of everyone but who i needed you to remember. i goaded you, dared you and taunted you, and made you lose your ‘place,’ and very nearly made you lose the most important spot of all – the space in Sir’s Household.

i regret it. i’ve learned, and i can see how much you have learned too. you have excellent teachers. Listen to them more and to me less. Love them for they love you. Do not be afraid; they are not what you need to fear. Savor the moment – it is truly the only one like it. Remember the lessons you have gotten, and treasure the teachers.

Humbly and apologetically, the other cailin

oh my god… that feels good to have released… Yes, self, it is okay. i forgive you. Now, let’s move on for tomorrow is a new day.


On the Road

Tuesday June 20, 2006 – 11:43am

i’ll be leaving soon for a trip, a vacation of sorts. My kids will get to be spoiled by grandma, and i will get to have hugs from my mom. That’s all i know that is on the schedule, and it is nearly enough to keep me busy the 3 weeks i will be gone.

She will know my heart has been battered and bruised, banged up from life. She knows i will have helped people, and that i will have hurt people too. She will listen to me cry for no explainable reason – and laugh for the same. She will watch, wanting to protect me and kiss my boo boos, and

i don’t know how this vacation will turn out. i have much to ponder, but i am often told i think too much, or my thinking is faulty. If i play with my own wishes in mind, then i appear callous, frivolous, merely a creature of carnal pleasure – not who i am or want to be known as. It would be an easy answer to just focus on my kids, and their fun, but they only occupy my body; when i bake in the hot sun, that still leaves enough room for mental doodling and musing.

And i will have the first chance to really visit my dad’s grave. To see where my mom will sometime be, their coffins touching. To see where two steps down and three over, is where my grandfather (abuser of me, abuser of many-may he rot in hell) and my grandmother (beloved, sweet angel of memory). And, maybe the tears will flow in the stillness of the stone walls.

And, maybe i’ll see my first love, face to face, for the first time in fifteen years. Or maybe i won’t. And, maybe i’ll be immune to who he has been to me, and maybe i won’t. Either way, i’ll drive by the river, see the places we walked, whether i want to or not.

It was also intended to be a chance to evaluate my marriage: am i happier with my husband or without him? Now that he has discovered more about me, is it enough? Can he become what i need him to be? Can i find what i am looking for with him? Is the comfortable kind of love he enjoys enough to sustain us to the next level?

Ahhh… and the longer i sit here and type… the more i realize why my packing and loading isn’t done. i don’t want to be here; i don’t want to be there… or maybe i want both… or…


“Home” Again

Friday June 23, 2006 – 09:30am

Well, i made it to Tulsa, safe and sound. We made it in town in the early evening. A few showers along the way, but nice, uneventful. That said, i’m glad i have a few weeks to get myself ready for another 16 hours or so in the car with 2 young’uns.

We went out to eat at a renamed restaurant for which i have many, many memories. The food was tolerable, not much more, but enjoyed the sopapillas and the sweetness of the evening in general. Then went to my brother’s, and gave greetings. Pretty hard though on my lack of sleep; for all i know he confessed his love for purple lizard sex, but i was totally out of it.

Today, it’s off to WalMart to stock up on groceries and goodies for my hungry ones. Mom ‘let’ me shop today, so i could get what the kids want, but i guess it is no great price for being able to stay and visit.

The kids are already binging on the large collection of videos my brother has. And, i am already amazed at how quiet things can be.

Maybe i can sneak in a nap in here… how about now…


A Little Housekeeping

Tuesday June 27, 2006 – 12:26am

i have often heard of the importance of trust, in Lifestyle relationships especially. “Sure, absolutely,” i would tell myself. It makes perfect sense – we put our lives in other’s hands every time we step out of our safe boundaries and play the way we do.

What i didn’t see or realize is how much we put our lives in other’s hands, totally outside of the realm of play — or we should.

i recently had the chance to put my life in Someone’s hands – and i blew it. It is not that He (or She for that matter) was untrustworthy – it is i that didn’t trust Him. He gave me no reason not to trust Him (as they are an honorable Household), other than the fact that i am human, i am cowardly, and i am a creature prone to fears from past mistakes.

That fear, that inability to trust when i needed to cost me dearly.

i was stubborn, prideful, and convinced that i could make things better. What i didn’t see though, was that what felt like limitations on me and what i thought were my needs, were placed on me based on experience, wisdom, perspective and even love. The misplaced confidence in my own assessment of the situation, my ability to impact it positively, and indeed, even my own willfulness, sent shock waves in many directions.

Where were my eyes? my ears? my words? my submission? forgetting those things were given a place – and that is not where they were – led to my own tragic loss. it was not a failing of the House; i failed me and i failed them.

and, i am sorry.

Thank You Sir. Thank You Ms. i am hoping that my trust in others and myself will be strong enough in my next relationship to allow it to grow.


Back seat drivers

Wednesday July 5, 2006 – 06:14pm

Now, i’m sure that i am the only person in the universe that hates back seat drivers. However, that being said, and at risk of annoying those of you in the pro-BSD movement, hush!

And, hubby this means You. And, yes it has been two weeks or more since you’ve ridden in the car with me. But, talking to Mom last night brought up the good, the bad, the ugly – and i have to say – listening to someone harp on your driving, by the time You hit the first major street isn’t the best way to start any time in the car. Which, most of the time when we are together as a family, is going to be at least 30 minutes each way to visit relatives that aren’t mine, and that don’t necessarily like me right now. Ah, the pleasant thoughts.

For the record, sure isn’t the way to start “date nights.” What a laugh! Drive almost an hour to your mom’s. Meanwhile, i have gone too fast, too slow, too close, too far, and generally driven you crazy, but, at least paid more attention than you can at any given time especially with our two little distractors in the back seats, but oh, yeah, you can’t see so you can’t drive, and besides, you drive all the time to work to pay for the car. Don’t forget – i always seem to go the way you wouldn’t… and apparently that’s a problem, except, uh, it’s not since we still manage to get there.

So, we pull into your mom’s. Get to see her latest wounds or hear about her latest doctor horror stories. (Generally, the more graphic go closer to when we hope to eat out first). We can’t drink anything there because she doesn’t have ice, and everything from her fridge has that weird smell, and since she buys the single servings on everything, i’m not gonna take her 1 of anything.

Moral of this rant: Sometimes, honey, you just have to let it go. Believe in me. i’ve made it safely so far, and i plan to keep doing so. I’ve taken defensive driving, i look around, and no, that doesn’t mean that i’m reading just because my eyes dart in your direction. Maybe it’s time i decided where the car goes for a while, or at least gets less complaints as we go along. And, maybe it’s time for you to decide if you don’t like it, get out. Or maybe, i just need to decide, i don’t want you in my car anymore.

And, yes, you’re right… this isn’t just about driving…


What’s that sound?

Sunday July 9, 2006 – 11:01am

Recently, i had a period where i could not find my ‘writing’ voice. i had been struck totally dumb, unable to put more than a few words together coherently. i struggled, waffled and wavered, all in an effort to find it, or to find out what could bring it back. And, although the struggle to find it was mocked and derided by some, and not understood or regarded as signs of a larger concern by others, i knew that my muteness had to be held by some internal gag – it just needed to be released. Once i found the end of that ribbon – and tugged – the words flowed again.

But until this morning, there were other sounds that have been missing for a long time too; these however, i did not even notice as much. i had lost my ‘singing’ voice. Now, let me make clear, i make no claims to fantastic quality. i merely sing as a release, a mental doodling. In fact, sometimes, it may be the clearest indication of what i am feeling, even before i am aware of it occasionally. (i can’t pretend not to have noticed my husband’s sad, nervous reaction to “Release Me,” by Wilson Phillips).

i didn’t even quite realize that voice was gone… until suddenly, as i was doing the dishes, it came out again. My voice was strong, vibrant though a bit rusty from the morning and lack of attention. i had been trilling about for nearly ten minutes before i even realized that the voice was back. And suddenly, one of the gaps at which i had been pondering and staring, figuring out what belonged there, had its filler. It felt so natural to sing again. To hear the sounds bouncing inside and outside my mouth, echoing on the walls of my mom’s kitchen.

And, because i wondered (for those of you prone to critical, insert over-analyzed here) about the awesomeness of the return of this gift of expression to me, i found its source. The answer is in the answer … the fact that i finally found my current course. How far it will take me, how successful, i do not know. But i do know that at least a direction has been chosen. That freedom, that comfort and ease let my songs issue forth again.

Then, there was an even more amazing sound. One that may have been even longer gone …

… i caught myself laughing, chuckling so hard i was bent over.

Now, what that’s all about, i can’t imagine. laughs again, snorting this time


Where all this thinking has taken me…

Saturday July 8, 2006 – 05:09pm

At long last, i think i know what i must do. It is time to concentrate on the claim that was first made, and no, not that made by my first love who has steadfastly ignored me (thankfully, for i am feeling awfully weak – and not just from the lingering virus – these days).

This decision was made before disturbing phone calls to my home (to my husband) and to my cell phone. i just don’t think i knew i had decided it yet.

So, what will it mean? i don’t know. Maybe we’ll reconnect and recommit, and he’ll be able to step up to being the Dom i want and the Man i need. Maybe we can learn things together.

And, yes, i am pleasantly ignoring the fact that almost any ‘education’ in any areas in our lives has come from my explorations, coursework, experience, etc. Perhaps, it will be like our family’s connection to Judaism – only better, because with it, i got to be the one ‘that wanted it’ and therefore, could take daughter to Sunday School every week by 8:30 a.m. After all, why would i sign her / us up for something if i wasn’t going to follow through.

Or maybe we’ll be one of those couples that just finds acceptance in letting the other do what they need to do, perhaps with some general guidelines. Not sure that one is all that realistic in the long term at least. i like being devoted to someone, and yes, i know there are many married (to other) slaves out there, but for me, hard on the head space.

Or, lastly, we may just have to face that we can’t reconnect. We’ve lost faith in each other. We no longer trust the other can meet our needs, and realize this is not a healthy place to be. So, whether it is done with counseling, together or separate, we need to find a peace so we can be happy, healthy co-parents. And that may be true regardless of how we end up.

So, faces i’ve gotten to know, and those that i looked forward to: i may need to put You aside for the moment. i’ve got to see what my marriage may still hold. i’ve got to see what i can do to still hold at least part of my children. This is hard, since it all feels so ‘home’ to me.

But, please understand and be patient. If You loved me before, i’ll need it more. Even, or especially, when i may not be able to hear it directly from You. And, if for some reason, i can’t take You into that reality where i have to live, please know that You are a special memory to me. On the other hand, please don’t forget me either.

it hurts soooo much… divided, split, torn asunder… unable to give, unable to take looking at how i got here with wonder…


Sweet surrender?

Monday August 28, 2006 – 10:44pm

The problem with truth is that for every person that sees it, a different truth can be seen based on our own filters, perceptions, predispositions and understandings. Even the exact same phrase can be interpreted entirely differently for both the speaker and the listener, depending on where we hear the emphasis. When someone says, “I could throw you in front of the bus, but i choose not to,” some will hear the “throw you in front of the bus” and others could hear the “choose not to.” Is it a threat or an affirming statement? How do we know for sure what is meant?

Even things others may see quite clearly, we may not know as true ourselves, until we gain more awareness of ourselves. For instance, if you have been playing in the sun all day, and someone notices your red cheeks and arms, and asks you if you are sunburnt, and you say no. Perhaps you really don’t realize that you are. Does that mean that the answer you gave was untrue. Yes, objectively. Was it untrue to you when you said it? No.

There are some that have been convinced of a concerted effort on my part to speak maliciously and falsely of them. They begun to see me in a particular light, and gathered ‘evidence’ of that hypothesis until, in their mind, it is now a definite truth. Between us now appears a Berlin Wall: one that i wish could be torn down so that individuals on both sides can be reunited and get to know each other again.

Although it is not yet the beginning of the Jewish New Year, thoughts of atonement and starting fresh have rolled in my mind. All of us (except the perfect, of course lol), can look back at things that have been done in the past they would do differently or perhaps, not at all. i am no exception to that. So, i’m using this as a chance to come clean and clear, and to set things straight, and to put forth the truth as i’ve seen it.

Here are some truths: 1. Yes, i served in a House, with a strong Master that i respected greatly. i enjoyed learning from Him, and had hopes i would be able to serve Him indefinitely. At no time during my service, did i either look forward or back with desire toward any other Master.

  1. Yes, during the time i served i was confused at times regarding specific details of that service, and the specific structure of the House. Was it unclear or was i just needing more guidance as a first time, real life submissive? i don’t know, but i did have questions.
  2. Yes, i made some mistakes of judgment during my service that i deeply regret. Some of these have been addressed in other entries, and i won’t belabor them here. Some of these were said to have been forgiven, and others were relevant to my release.
  3. Yes, i have spoken in confidence of my mixed, and sometimes very strong, feelings regarding my release and my former House. Yet, i never spoke these ‘frustrations’ in a public forum, posting or venue, other than in instant messages, email and phone, to two individuals.

And, some others: 1. No, i have never publicly spoken ill of my Former or His House. i have often spoken of the respect i feel for Him, the regret i felt that no longer serving His House, and the best wishes i hold for Them. i have encouraged others to seek Him for advice and guidance as they continue their own journey.

  1. No, i certainly have never deliberately said untruthful things about my Former situation. And, mo, i hold no malice toward anyone in the community, and certainly not my Former House.
  2. No, i have never deliberately manipulated or tried to place myself between any two people in a relationship, regardless of what the parameters of that relationship might be. i have and have not had any desire to take away someone’s fiance, boyfriend, husband or anything else.

i heard it said that it can be hard to be in submissive mindset when you are being defensive. Circumstances in my life have changed, but that maxim still holds true. Much more time has passed than even the short amount of time i served. Does the fight, the bitterness need to continue? Not from my side, it hasn’t and it won’t. i surrender… i’m done…


Announcements and Updates

Sunday December 17, 2006 – 04:07pm

The last i wrote it was near the Jewish New Year. And, now, closing in on the calendar’s new year, i feel compelled to write once again. So much has happened i’ve been unable to focus well enough to decide what to write. Where to begin? What’s still important? So, instead of continuing to think about it, i decided it was about time to just write about it, and let it come out as it will.

Most exciting, perhaps, is that we’ve had a baby. Well, perhaps not a baby in the real life, change the diaper sense, but a time consuming yet utterly life changing experience. Her name is GDsN — Global Ds Newcomers. On October 7th, a new Yahoo group was born. DDW brought her to life with His desire to give newcomers a comfortable forum for exploring and learning. He wanted to give everyone an equal voice. Admittedly, when He first created the group, i sulked and had no interest in it. The frustrations i felt with the “community” translated into insecurities about myself, my choice of the Lifestyle, etc.

Then, i had a realization: it wasn’t about me, it was about DDW and the others. He wanted it, how could i not support it with all of my efforts? And, deep down, even though i am new, i have wanted to be able to reach out to other newcomers and share my knowledge and experiences, and hopefully prevent a few mistakes from occurring, and to be a compassionate ear when they do. And, now, thanks to Him, i had my chance.

So i threw myself into it full force. Instead of just joining, i actively began to recruit. initially, i reached out to Georgians (our home state) that i thought could benefit or be a benefit to this group. That felt limiting though, especially when i saw the tentacles of the local community hovering. So, i began to reach out to neighboring states… then gradually just to any and all that seemed ‘right’.

Seemingly overnight, we became a truly global group. As of today, we have 640 members (and counting!), hundreds of links – for local groups, fetish information, shopping, learning websites, etc. We’ve been averaging dozens of active, productive messages a day, and the content is phenomenal. Sometimes, i just sit back and glow with delight, watching the messages of support and encouragement.

And, now, finally i have a voice again – i am able to reach out like i always wanted. Do i have all the answers? Of course not. But, i do have a warm heart and an active curiosity. And both now have a place and a purpose. They are recognized and encouraged.

What about DDW? Besides being the positive force that conceived of “Baby”, He is also my One (my Sir, my Master, my… fill in your own words here). He has and does motivate, cherish, protect and delight me. He has been a fellow explorer, going from hardly being able to imagine a person, especially me, receiving any intense sensation with anything other than pain, to directly being able to tell that i was receiving pleasure from the experiences. i have been able to try things i didn’t think i would be able to, most of which have left me craving more. He has grown from wanting to tolerate things just because of His love for me, to actively thinking of ideas to continue our explorations.

So gone is the girl, existing on fear, stress and adrenaline. Instead, emerging is a woman, aware of her needs, and finding her way and her place – most happily, at the feet (literally and figuratively) of the One i love. Re-emerging is the fierce female – loyal to her friends, dedicated to her family. The truth has been able to emerge: those that said that i was a petty manipulator, have shown their true colors, and carry that mantle now themselves. Those that spoke of the importance of keeping secrets, often failed, and revealed distorted truths. And those whose loyalty was most in question, have proven themselves bound to truth and honor. My true friends still stand beside me, or we are finding their way to each other.

It is an amazing ride…

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.